Saying Goodbye

Yesterday, I finally said goodbye to my beloved friend and Emotional Support Animal, Bella. The in-home euthanasia service was lovely, and she went quietly with her favorite people petting her while comfortably at home. I want to thank everyone who contributed to my Go-FundMe for that expense again. Without all your help I would not have been able to give her as comfortable a send-off as she had. I meant to write about her yesterday, but by the time I got back from burying her beside her mom in my ex’s pet cemetery, I was too exhausted to function. But I want to tell you all about her, and let her memory live on, for she was the best girl anyone could ask for.

The first animal my now ex-husband and I got together was a pure-bred German Shepherd we named Holly, barely a month before I became pregnant with my son. We raised her, then bred her after a suitable period of time with my in-laws’ purebred male dog, Max. We wanted a puppy out of Max, as he was one of the best dogs. Holly gave birth to 6 live puppies, of which Bella was one. My hands were the first to ever touch her, and some of the last as well. She was mine from start to finish.

A young Bella, after her siblings had been homed.

We didn’t always plan to keep Bella. We had picked out one of her sisters who was perky and playful and seemed good-tempered. But as the puppies grew, and we began noticing things about them individually, we noticed one who hung back. Who was afraid of all the humans, who hid, whose ears lowered and tail drooped at the slightest provocation. And we realized, this anxious, scared little dog, could not be sent out to some other family who might expect her to be the Fierce German Shepherd, and separate her from the people she had slowly learned to trust and her mother. So, we kept her and named her Bella.

We soon realized that Bella had other difficulties besides anxiety, specifically very severe skin allergies. She was allergic to the flora in the state in which she’d been born. But we loved her anyways, and it soon became apparent that she understood how to comfort me when I was experiencing mental illness episodes. During one complete breakdown she stayed in bed with me, cuddling me and giving me the support and unconditional love I needed in that time.

Bella snuggling in our bed.

But as much as Bella was my dog, she was also my son’s. The Teen was a year and a half old when Bella was born, and they were raised side-by-side. My son had no siblings, so he played with Bella endlessly. The one human in the whole world she wasn’t even a little afraid of was The Teen. She treated him like a litter-mate, and he to this day believes in his heart of hearts that he is a dog. They were companions most of their lives, and The Teen was here at the end, sitting beside her and petting her ears as she drifted off to her final sleep.

The Teen and Bella snuggling on a bed

Now, my apartment feels empty without Bella, despite the two cats and a turtle who remain to keep me company. Her things are still scattered about, food and water in her bowls, her bed at the foot of mine. I haven’t had a chance to clear them out and trash what can’t be saved and find new homes for the things that can. So I keep expecting her to approach me where I sit on the couch and ask for pets or to go out and go potty. I feel like I’m forgetting to do something when I get home and don’t immediately have to take her out to potty, or when I go to bed without first taking her out. But there is also relief. Relief from the strain taking care of her was putting on me, financially and physically, and relief from the guilt of seeing her struggle and not being able to do more to make her more comfortable. Of course, a little guilt remains, that I could have petted her more before the end, done more to make her last days comfortable. But now that she’s gone peacefully, that guilt has abated a bit. Mostly what is left is a sense of peace that she had a good life, the best life we could give her, and she knew she was loved until the very end.

The last picture I took of Bella, yesterday a few hours before saying goodbye

The cats are keeping me company, and I’m not despondent. But I miss her, with her soft ears and understanding eyes. I’ll probably never own another dog, my body unable to keep up with the demands of caring for a dog, but even if I do, I’ll never get another one as special as Bella. Truly, she was the goodest and prettiest girl, forever in my heart.

50 Years of Music in Gainesville

I turned 40 this weekend, which is a bit of a mind-blowing experience. It so happens, that this same weekend was the 50th Anniversary Celebration for the Gainesville Community Band (GCB), so I went to the concert as part of my birthday celebration as well. I played in the GCB for about 5 years a while ago, before work schedules interfered. When my work schedule changed so I could go to rehearsal again, I quickly found out that my stamina was no longer up for 2 hour music practices1 and I had to finally quit for real. This made me very sad, as it was something I did with my mother (she continues to play in the band), and also kept me playing my clarinet on a regular basis. It was also just plain fun. Some of my favorite memories are from band rehearsals and concerts, and GCB is no exception.

The Concert yesterday was a typically wonderful experience, even if I had to watch from the audience instead of sitting on stage with everyone else. The current conductor, R. Gary Langford is great fun to play music for, as well as an expert at working an audience. He’s my second favorite conductor I’ve ever played for, only surpassed by my high school Band Director who was exceptionally cool and gave me a lot of great opportunities. Gary is a bit of a card, and can be counted on to both dress exceptionally snazzily and tell many jokes between pieces.

Conductor Gary Langford in his 50th Anniversary Chic Look: Sparkly Gold suit jacket, bow tie, and loafers with black accents.

The concert was a bit of a walk through musical eras, with such favorites as Blue Tango, St Louis Blues, Grease, and ending with a patriotic sing along of From Sea to Shining Sea. Before St Louis Blues Gary demonstrated a jazz improvisation on his trumpet, which I was able to capture below.

https://youtube.com/shorts/auOVKTCHDic?feature=share

Along the way, the band also played a tune called The Old Grumbly Bear, which featured one of the bassoonists soloing on a contra-bassoon, an exceptionally funny instrument. It plays the lowest note in the orchestra, getting as low as the lowest note on a 64 foot pipe organ. Below is just the first 15 seconds of the piece showing the contrabassoon, but you can also listen to a previous performance of the piece in its entirety on my YouTube. The video is just of my leg in that one, but the audio is pretty good still.

https://youtube.com/shorts/EjpemsM3u5Q?feature=share

The crowning point of the concert though was a piece that Gary commissioned one of his former students and a former member of the band to compose & guest conduct, called Tree City Triptych. This concert was the piece’s World Premiere, and it was lovely. The band did a stellar job of performing it, and the piece was really beautiful. To quote part of the program notes for the piece

Tree City Triptych, a three-movement piece, is based on a motive derived from the band’s three initials, “GCB.” Those three pitches appear as the melody which begins the first movement of the piece, “Sojourn.” This motive reappears many times over the course of the composition in its original form, but also inverted (as in “Solace,” the second movement) and also in retrograde. In the third movement “Sonare,” the motive is transposed to the key of E-Flat, the relative major of C minor, the key of the opening movement.

There is a full video of the piece below. Dr Chris Sharpe, the composer and conductor for this piece, is an Assistant Professor of Music at the University of Lynchburg (Virginia). I think his musical talent really shines through in this piece as well. He has said he drew inspiration for the piece from the band itself, the city of Gainesville, and from a well-known piece of music called Men of Florida.

https://youtu.be/5pJRyjSK3s8

Overall, it was a lovely way to celebrate my birthday. Afterwards my family and one of my closest friends went out for Indian food at a really nice new restaurant in town. Sometimes, living in Gainesville is good, actually.

1. It doesn’t seem like it should be as you’re just sitting in one spot moving only your fingers, but playing a wind instrument is insanely tiring. I always work up a good sweat on a long practice.

Some things about me ...

I've moved instances so many times since 2017 that, at this point, I always forget the pinned post. I started out on mastodon[dot]social, then I hosted a GNU Social instance, then I hosted a Mastodon instance, then I moved through like six other instances, then I stayed put for a while, and then last year I hosted an instance for most of 2024, and now I'm on a combination of labyrinth and wafrn.

It's been a ride.

But, who I am:

I've been into web development since 1999. I am what the kids would call, ancient. I was born when Back to the Future came out in theaters, and I've been all over the place.

In my late 20s I started a transition in order to better realize my gender (maybe you remember me as Meryl), but things got complicated, and not so great. Needless to say, I'm just in the closet about all that offline, and I try to keep my online presence mostly representing who I truly am (this is why I don't really post selfies anymore unless I'm posting to pixelfed, which I hardly also do).

In less bummer topics, I'm a writer, I make music, I run a Second Life store called [REVOSA], and I'm confidently a web developer.

I am currently (and always) seeking a career in web development or network administration (or some-such field), that is preferably remote, and decently paid.

You can visit my website, here: https://mkultra.monster

You can see the rest of my links, here: https://mkultra.monster/linkgarden/

You can listen to some of my music, here: https://eyeshadow2600fm.bandcamp.com

You can join my Discord community, here: https://discord.gg/YB6YWgZfpf

If you like or want to support the 87 things I do, I would really appreciate a Patreon or Liberapay sub.

P: https://www.patreon.com/c/cmdr_nova (membership includes Discord roles)

L: https://liberapay.com/cmdr-nova/

Thank you for taking the time to read this condensed history on me.

#introduction #aboutme #eyeshadow2600fm #webdev #lgbtq #transwoman