@dave @actuallyautistic what you are describing resonates very deeply with me.
For me, PDA is like a surge of anger, that makes me clench my teeth whenever someone asks me to do something. I feel frozen in the spot, like my body just revolting against the mere thought of doing something i did not think of myself.
For me, fear plays a big role too. I am scared of people loving me less if i say no. I feel guilty for not having thought of the demand myself and like a failure if someone reminds me of a task i did not do.
In many ways it feels like a catalyst for a lot of negative feelings i have which in the moment of the demand get projected to the person that asked.
Many people accuse me of just being a scaredy cat or not self confident enough to “just do stuff” and want me to push my limits. Which i appreciate on the one hand because i am too scared of shit but on the other hand i so heavily lack the ability to trust myself that it is dangerous for me to push my limits.
PDA in addition to my trauma makes me constantly fight myself over the simplest of things and it is debilitating as fuck.