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#theonion

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“The monoculture is dead…Growing at scale feels so 2015. Growing with purpose is what matters now.” — Leila Brillson, CMO, The Onion, dropping one heckuva truth bomb at our building communities on the social web panel at the Fediverse House at SXSW last month.

Stay tuned for the whole panel, debuting on our Fediverse House PeerTube channel tomorrow:

flipboard.video/c/fediverse.ho

#Flipboard#FediverseHouse#Federation
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The Onion

Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked

AMESVILLE, OH—Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small Midwestern locale told reporters Wednesday that their town was the kind where everyone leaves their chastity belts unlocked. “Everybody knows everybody in a place this size, so when my father leaves he doesn’t even bot…
#theonion
theonion.com/small-town-kind-w

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The Onion

Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School

NEW YORK—Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. “When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it’s clear that littl…
#theonion
theonion.com/study-finds-handm

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The Onion

Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir

WASHINGTON—In an apparent effort to tamp down on recent speculation about their relationship, Barack and Michelle Obama reportedly showed off their vibrant marriage Friday by inviting the nation to join them in the boudoir. “Obviously, there have been some rumors swirling around myself and Michelle, and we’d like…
#theonion
theonion.com/obamas-show-off-v

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The Onion

‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory

EAST HANOVER, NJ—As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly shouted “Show me where autism is made!” Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. “Attention Sour Patch Factory …
#theonion
theonion.com/show-me-where-you

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The Onion

JD Vance Rushes To Put Wife’s Head Back On After Fumbling Second Lady

WASHINGTON—Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife’s head back on after fumbling the second lady. “No, no, no, no!” cried out the 40-year-old vice president, who watched in shock and horror as Usha Vance’s head slipped from his grasp and tumb…
#theonion
theonion.com/jd-vance-rushes-t

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The Onion

Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society

NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. “Studi…
#theonion
theonion.com/historians-quibbl

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The Onion

Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom

CHICAGO—Stressing that the delicate subject should be broached sensitively and responsibly, parenting experts from the University of Chicago shared tips Thursday for talking to kids about being heir to the throne of a small European kingdom. “Discovering their r…
#theonion
theonion.com/parenting-experts

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The Onion

New iPad Offers 3 Months Of Something Called Apple Deli+

CHICAGO—Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad offered three months of something called Apple Deli+. “I just linked my iPad up to my Apple ID, and apparently my Meat Pass has been activated and I’ve been enrolled in […]
The post New iPad Offers 3 …
#theonion
theonion.com/new-ipad-offers-3

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The Onion

Arsonist Sets Fire To Pennsylvania Governor’s Mansion

A man is in custody after scaling an iron security fence in the middle of the night, eluding police, and breaking into the Pennsylvania governor’s mansion where he set a fire, claiming he would have attacked Governor Shapiro with a hammer if he happened upon him inside the residence. What do you think?
The post Arsonist Sets Fire To Pennsylvania Governor’s …
#theonion
theonion.com/arsonist-sets-fir

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The Onion

Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again

WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is it?” said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child’s uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother’s oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands […]
The post…
#theonion
theonion.com/nephew-in-trouble

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