A few years ago I caved and bought a cheap Robo vacuum.
I had resisted for years - scolding myself with gaslighting comments like “your condo is so small - you SHOULD be able to vacuum yourself”
I was so mean to myself that I refused an accommodation tool that would help me
This is a common experience for disabled people. We often struggle to ask for the help we need. We feel bad about requiring assistive devices or items that will make life easier.
We see them as a “frill” because other people have taught us we don’t “deserve” them
I bought the cheapest one I could find and it still sat in a box in my apartment for months before I finally set it up.
It sat in the corner taunting me. Reminding me that I shouldn’t have wasted money, that I’m pathetic for not being able to clean my own floor
This tiny little tool that most people buy without a second thought caused me so much mental anguish.
Why? Internalized ableism.
It was the same thing with a shower chair. I resisted for years because I felt it meant I was “lazy” or “giving up”
Imagine a non disabled person thinking that way? They wouldn’t.
When you’re non disabled you’re taught that you DO deserve all the nice things.
You need help with something? Cool! You earned it!
You want a Robo vacuum to save you time? Go get it you worked hard for it!
It’s capitalism and ableism all rolled into one.
This idea that if you’re economically active and healthy, you are entitled to all the great things.
If you’re not? Sit down and accept whatever scraps the world throws at you and be grateful for them
It’s harmful and it results in people pushing themselves to the point of harm
I passed out in the shower and dislocated my shoulder before finally getting a chair
I face planted while vacuuming and ended up black and blue.
For what? To appease some outdated notion of worth?
I firmly reject our societal conception of worth.
We all have worth. A person shouldn’t have to work or have good health to be considered deserving of help, accommodation or love.
So I set up my Robo vacuum… and something incredible happened
I fell in love with it. He became my best friend. This tiny little device brought me more joy than I ever thought possible.
With the touch of a button my entire floor was cleaned and I didn’t have to exert or risk my health
My mast cells improved because I was able to stay on top of dirt and dust better.
My POTS body appreciated not spending days in a horrible flare after an attempt at vacuuming that didn’t do half as good a job as my Robo pal.
He broke the other day - and I’m not embarassed to admit that I cried.
He served me faithfully for years … and had clearly been tired these last few months.
But when he made his final sad little “meep meep” noise… I shed a tear
I cried for the loss of my little buddy, but also for everything he gave to me.
He represented the beginning of my journey to lean into my disabilities. Start accepting and accommodating my body instead of fighting it.
It was a huge gift. It relieved me of an enormous load I didn’t even know I had been carrying.
Now I have various bathroom safety tools, I’ve baby proofed parts of my home, I have a carer help me with showers and other difficult activities of daily living.
I know now that I’m worth it - and in a weird way my Robo helped teach me that.
We are all worth it - and we need to do whatever we can to remind ourselves (and each other) of that fact every single day /14
The world can be a hateful place with many people looking to tear us down.
Never forget your worth isn’t about what’s in your bank account, how healthy you are or what your job is.
It’s about YOU. Who you are and what you bring to the world
You are loved. Just as you are.
